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Jack Collier: Private Eye

A Jack Collier Story

By Brett N. Lashuay



Chapter Thirty-Eight can be found here.


Chapter Thirty-Nine: How far will they go?


            I arrived at the Piper house finding a fairly large gathering waiting for me. Piper, and King and even that nice Mister Quayle had come all the way from California to see me. That was nice. He’d managed to escape from prison, come across the country all for the pleasure of killing me. Nice to see the effort. It was a good thing to have so many familiar faces to welcome me. What was less encouraging was the bonfire they were building and putting a chair on top of. They hadn’t lit the flame yet, but it was clear that they were just waiting for someone to take the chair and for someone else to say the word and the whole thing would go up in flames.


            As I drove up, four men approached the car and three more brought Alice and Debbie from the house. I pulled the car to a stop and stuck my hands in my pockets, where the silenced Rutthowers were waiting. Red walked towards me a smiled a wide smile in the failing light of dusk. I felt myself getting so angry, that I was actually too outraged to get visibly mad. I was so pissed that I felt calm and flippant.


            “Where’s Jill?” He asked. “I thought you were going to bring her with you.”


            “I called from the road.” I told him. “No time to go get her.”


            “You should have brought her.” He smiled and I think he may have drooled a little.


            “Maybe.” I said.


            “No maybe about it.” Red suddenly roared. “I say bring a bitch, you bring me the bitch!”


            “Don’t make trouble Jack!” Cindy came running from the house toward me, looking less thin, less bruised, but still very pathetic. “He’ll kill you.”


            “This guy?” I asked. “Nah. Red King’s too much of a gentleman to kill me.”


            “I wouldn’t be betting the farm on that one.” He said and then called over his shoulder, “Peter, get over here.”


            And I will be damned if it wasn’t Peter Kurbisesser, formerly an employee of Collier Investigations, or whatever we call ourselves. I say former, because he was fired at the moment I saw him there. He gave me a sort of embarrassed look and then we both looked at Debbie, who would have cut him in half if her eyes actually had been the daggers she was trying to make them.


            “How do you see this working Mister Kurbisesser?” I asked him.


            “Put your arms up.” Kurbisesser told me. “I’m going to search you.


            “Why didn’t you bring my daughter home?” Piper demanded as he walked up to our little group.


            “Not now Piper.” King told him.


            “He’s been fucking her!” Piper shouted with a sharply pointed finger. “She’s mine and he’s been fucking her!”


            “Quiet Piper!” King shouted.


            “You and your stupid son have ruined everything you dumb son of a bitch.” Piper shouted at King and then turned to me again. “What did you do with her? Hmm? Tell me! Have you ruined her?”


            King had clearly had enough, because without another word he drew a big revolver from his hip and fired a single shot through Piper’s head. Blood exploded from his nose, mouth and the gaping hole that had replaced his forehead. The blood and splattered my face and shirt, but that didn’t worry me as I figured there would be more blood soon. Piper fell against me and I would have taken the opportunity to shoot king, but the damn gun caught on my coat pocket and I only managed to fire a silenced shot at his feet before someone hit me in the back of the head with what was probably a rifle stock but felt like a giant redwood. It didn’t take long after that to disarm me, even going to far as to take my knife and sap away from mean leaving me with nothing.


            “You came loaded for bear today?” Quayle said as they laid my weapons out on the ground in front of me. “Is that a Welbey-Fosbery?”


            “That’s promised to a lesbian.” I told him as I started to gain control of my voice. “The Marley isn’t being claimed at the moment though.”


            “He just keeps talking, doesn’t he?” Quayle asked King.


            “I find it moves the conversation along.” I told him.


            “Let’s cliff him.” Quayle said.


            “Good idea.” King said. “Let’s take them to the cliffs.”


            “C’mon Collier.” Kurbisesser said, waving his gun at me. “Get in the car.”


            We drove in a little convoy, rocking through the night, towards what they were calling The Cliffs. The Cliffs were nothing of the sort, nothing like what they have out west. Nothing like what we had to climb that night to get to those sons of bitches that… well, did what they did. It was just the end of a hill that was too steep to drive down. A lot of rocks and a few trees sat in the hillside. I suppose if you’d never seen real cliffs, this might look like a series of cliffs to you. We went to the tallest of the hills and all five SUVs stopped so we could all get out.


            “Let me explain what’s going to happen.” Quayle said.


            “Oh please do.” I said. “It’ll be the first explanation I’ve had in months.”


            “Yeah.” Quayle said,


            “Ooo, wait!” I shouted.




            “Could you say something like why not, what harm can it do?” I asked. “I’ve never actually had anyone say that to me.”


            “Are you for real?” Quayle asked.


            “Maybe, or I might be made up.” I told him. “I have problems knowing myself some days.”


            “We’re going to throw you off that cliff.” Quayle said. “It’s a pretty steep drop, you’ll be dashed to pieces on the rocks.”


            “Okay.” I nodded.




            “Yeah, then what?”


            “Then we take these girls back to the house and if you don’t tell me what I want to know before you go I will set your secretary on fire.”


            “That big bonfire you were setting up?” I asked looking over the cliff, noticing one strong looking tree. “The one that looks like a sacrificial pyre?”


            “Shut him up!” King demanded.


            “You know Red.” I said turning to him. “If you didn’t blurt things so much, I would have a much harder time figuring out what was going on.”


            “Huh.” Red said. “Toss him off.”


            “No.” I said shaking my head. “I’ll make it better.”


            “Pardon?” King asked.


            “You tell me all that you expect to do tonight and I’ll jump.” I told him. “How’s that?”


            “A woman needs to die by fire.” King said and Quayle actually put his face into his hand. To actually facepalm like that, right in front of me. This would be fun if I wasn’t so angry. “We kill the brunette by fire.”


            “Debbie.” I said, trying not to sound annoyed. “Her name is Debbie.”


            “The bitch dies by fire.” Red said. “Then we’re going to break little Cindy over there. After we break her, we’ll break your other bitch.”


            “Alice.” I announced flatly. “If you don’t start calling them by their names I’ll put my gun in your mouth and blow the top of your head off.”


            “Or you could tell us where Jill is.” King said.


            “Huh.” I rolled my tongue around my mouth for a second and looked over the cliff. I then walked a few feet toward King, because I’d need the running room. “That’s the offer huh? I give Jill up to gang rape or I give Cindy up for gang rape?”


            “They’re both going to be broken.” King said. “You can save your bitches.”


            “But you need a woman to burn.” I shook my head after pretending to think about it. “No. I’m afraid I can’t trust you.”


            “You can’t afford not to.” King said. “What choice do you have?”


            “I can be a man of my word.” Two more steps and I’d be far enough for a good run. “I can tell you to go fuck yourself and be a man of my word.”




            “Well you did tell me your plans.” One and two, perfect. “I’ll tell you what I’ll do though. I’ll make you a deal.”




            “You give up now and I won’t eradicate all nine of you.”


            “What?” Kurbisesser laughed suddenly. “You’re going to take on all of us?”


            “I’ll warn you Mister Kurbisesser, if I jump off this cliff, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine and I’m going to be very angry when I come back. I will likely slam your head in a car door until your skull cracks.”


            “You’re going to come back?” Kurbisesser laughed again, it was an unattractive sound. “As what? A cat? You’d need the extra lives.”


            “I got a green mushroom earlier.” I told him. “Instant one up. Wait till I get the glowing flower, you’ll really be in trouble then. Set your ass on fire Quayle.”


            “The fuck are you talking about?” Quayle asked, proving himself to be a cultural retard.


            “You can still call this all off Red.” I offered.


            “Throw him.”


            “Oh no.” I said. “I’m a man of my word.”


            “Are you?” He asked. “You’ll jump?”


            “But I’ll come back and kill all of you.” I said.


            “We’re going to rape your women before your blood is even cold.” Kurbisesser almost cackled.


            “How you doing through all this Debs?” I asked. “You think they can beat me? We’re pretty fucked up right now, huh?”


            “Forget it, Jack.” She said and I could see her wanting to cry. “It’s Michigan.”


            “Fuck no.” I said.


            I turned and started to run, I leapt at the edge of the so-called cliff, letting the darkness engulf me. I hoped I was as good at this as I thought I was, other wise this landing was going to suck donkey balls. I would have to wait and see for only a few more feet.


            In the meantime, I enjoyed the breeze as gravity grabbed hold of me and brought me toward the ground, and those lovely sharp rocks. It was actually sort of nice, the way the breeze flew past my ears, you might almost forget the rocks below and their promise not nearly instant enough death.

OMG! Is this the end of our hero? Tune in next week to find out.


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