Jack Collier: Private Eye
A Jack Collier Story
By Brett N. Lashuay
Chapter Thirty-One: Kidnapped Again
Chapter Thirty-One: Kidnapped Again
“Are you ready yet?” The other one asked.
“How did you get Alice to betray me?” I asked him.
“Come on.” The one said while the other gave
She winced and pulled her shoulder away, like it had been twisted pretty hard. I was beginning to wonder if maybe she wasn’t betraying me here. Maybe we were both staying in the same place and they picked us both up at once. Maybe they just grabbed her first and made her tell them. How many more times was I going to wrongly accuse her of this? Zero, I hope.
“Hang on a second.” I said walking towards
“What?” The other asked.
“Lots of people, do you want a scene or just a kiss?” I asked. “It’s a
“Whatever.” The other growled.
I put my arms under her jacket, sliding along her bra line and down to her waist. The jacket had no extra weights in the pockets and there was no holster on her person. She did wince twice though as I touched tender spots. I kissed her, good and hard with lots of tongue. She winced when I touched her shoulder and only pressed the wrist of her left hand against me instead of grabbing on for real.
“Never thought you’d flip me.” I said, hoping she got that I was telling her I believed in her. “Always thought you were on my side.”
“Jack.” She started.
“Shh.” I said putting a finger on her lips and tipping her the tiniest of tiny winks. “Don’t worry about it, these things happen.”
“Come on.” The one said to me, and something poked me in the back. “Let’s go. And don’t try nothing. We can make it look like you started it, whatever it is.”
“Hey babe.” I said looking over my shoulder. “When it comes down to it, I will start it. Where we going?”
“Front lot.” The one said.
“Groovy.” I wondered if he had even the slightest idea how angry I was.
“Jack.” She started.
“It’s okay sugartits.” I said. “I know, they said they weren’t going to hurt me and you believed them. It’s cool. I know I look bad, if the economy weren’t so bad I’d buy a hunk of beefsteak and put it over my face. Beefsteak’s too expensive right now though.”
“I didn’t.” She said.
“I believe you.” I said sharply and quietly before adding loudly. “I believe you didn’t know what they’d be doing.”
We walked out into the parking lot and I saw a burgundy van parked far enough away that no one would take notice of it but close enough that it didn’t look like it was trying to stay out of the way. I had one of those moments I have some times. I started to slap at my pockets, finding my keys and knife were in my front right pocket, cell phone in the left front. I tapped the right front pocket again and felt the oval plate that said that phrase that made me famous for almost twenty minutes a few years ago. Time to live up to that shit again.
I reached behind my and patted at the back pocket to find the wallet on the right and then slipped the persuader into my left hand and then slid it up the coat sleeve catching it on the little pocket I’d sewn there once for just such an occasion. It won’t really hold the leather sap by itself, but it’ll keep you from needing to palm it all day if you’ve got it up your sleeve.
“Have everything?” The one asked.
“Seems I do.” I told him.
“Get in the van.” He said pulling a pistol out. “All the way in the back.”
“Okay.” I nodded at him.
It was one of those van conversations that had two rows of chairs in the back and a pair of captain chairs to complete the back area with two normal seats up front. It wasn’t an institutional van, but a nice thing from a dealership. It even had a TV and DVD player in it. I climbed into the rear most seat and
“Am I being taken to get whacked?” I asked. “Or is this beat me so I look worse than I currently do?”
“Shut up.” The one said.
“How about I talk to you Alice?” I asked, putting my arm around her and patting her firm thigh with my left hand. “Do you know what’s going on?”
“Jack?” She asked.
“You know what I think?” I leaned in to give her a kiss and put my hand all the way up her skirt.
She was too petrified, or shocked, to do anything to stop me as I let the sap drop from my sleeve into her crotch. She could call me out at any moment or she could just let me do my plan, we’d see. I pulled my hand out of her skirt and started to unbutton her shirt, which is always a good way to distract people.
“What are you doing?” She asked as I opened her shirt enough to see that she was indeed wearing a front clasp bra today.
“I’m just showing you.” I said while unclasping the bra and just about letting people see what was going on. “I don’t have any hard feelings.”
I dipped my head between her breasts, sliding my hand up her skirt again. She gave out a little whimpering moan, something between fear and joy. I could tell she had their attention when she arched her back because of something I’d done with the persuader.
“Jack.” She tried.
“Don’t worry about it baby.” I said to her. “I’ve told you before, not to worry about it. I’m making a point though. I’m Jack Collier, and I don’t get scared because some punk points a gun at me. I am Mister Seven with One Blow, and I resent being fucked with.
The move was smooth, fast and harsh. My left hand came around faster than I think I’ve ever moved before, catching the one’s jaw with the persuader and surprising him so badly he just dropped his gun. My right hand caught the gun before it hit the seat and I aimed it at the other one while giving the one a good hard slap across the head with the sap.
“You want to see who’s badder?” I asked the other one. “I’ll make you a fucking splash of goo if you fuck with me. Don’t let yourself think you’re fast, you ain’t fast enough.”
You don’t have to kill them, just make them scared of you. That was what Tracey always told me. You don’t have to fight all the time, just look like you’re willing to fight and willing to take it to whatever level you need to win. Tracey would have been proud of me then I think, because they all were scared shitless of me just then.
“Shit.” The other one said.
He had pulled his jacket half open and his hand was frozen about three inches from his gun. I heard the one making a noise and gave him another hard whap without even looking. I climbed over the seat and reached with my left to take the gun from the holster. The driver was glancing in the mirror at me, so I decided he needed a sign. I gave the other one a good hard blast across his temple and sending him on a one way trip to the floor.
“You might be thinking you could crash the car and throw me.” I said. “But I will shoot you in the leg and side before you managed to do too much. That will hurt like a motherfucker, and you’ll die slow. Trying to guess which of us is meaner is a fool’s game because it’s me. I’m the baddest motherfucker on two legs. Get me?”
“I get you.” He said.
“Good.” I said and turned to toss one of the guns to
“I want to know who wants us so badly.” I told her. “I want to know who is willing to kidnap a federal agent to get a shitty little private eye like me. So I’ll walk into the lion’s den and then I’ll cockslap the lion for fucking with me.”
“You know they grabbed Jill again, right?” She asked as she repositioned her bra, letting me see that her left pinky and ring finger were both going to need medical attention before long.
“No.” I said. “I didn’t know that. Where ever this nice young man is taking us is probably where they have her though I would guess. Am I right?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “She’s there.”
“See?” I asked
“They killed four of my agents.” She said.
“Well, they’ve really fucked up this time then.” I said.
“They’ve always claimed they were the victims of a government conspiracy anyway.” She said. “They’ll just say this is more evidence.”
“They’re going to find me a little hard to laugh off.” I said. “Aren’t they mister driver man?”
“I don’t even have an opinion.” He said.
“You have to have an opinion.” I said pointing the gun at the side of his head. “If you hit a bump this could go off. If I ask if you believe god stopped the bullets this could go off. If you’re name is Marvin, you’re going to have trouble since Marvins always seem to get shot in the face. Don’t you find that?”
“My name is Kevin.” He said.
“And my name is Jack.” I said. “You think they’re going to want to keep fucking with me after this?”
“Well I don’t want to.” He said.
“Damn right.” I said. “I’m not only a sex machine with all the chicks, but I really am one baaaaad motherfucker.”
“Yes you are.” He agreed.
“Yes I am Kevin.” I said pulling the gun away. “Now let’s get to where we’re going.”