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For Your Toys Only (Episode 22)

Episode Twenty-Two
Mrs. White
Directed by John Huston

We drove a long way that day, mostly chatting about how I’d gotten to where I was and how he’d got there too. If he was lying as much as I was then he was really a Unicorn Operative and Mrs. White sent him to pick me up. I wasn’t too worried about that though, because why should I be? It was Church after all and he knew better than to try and cross me.

I saw the small town of San Miguel away in the distance, and I was pretty sure we wouldn’t be stopping there. It was a tiny little speck of a town, barely a single street really, which would mean trouble if we stopped. If we drove past, the inhabitants would think nothing of us, but if we stopped they would instantly suspect our reasons for being there. If they suspected, they would call and alert their neighbors about the visitors, which would be unhealthy at best for said visitors. As I was about to quit my job and thus loose my insurance, my health had suddenly become very important to me.

Church clearly had the same idea that I did, because he didn’t even slow down, just breezed past the town like a gust of wind. We drove for a while longer before we both noticed that we were getting tired. To say the instillation is near San Miguel is like saying Troy is near Lake Huron. It’s technically true when compared to Ohio, but there is some distance to go before you can get there. Church had anticipated this though, and kept bed rolls in his trunk for just such an occasion.

Sleeping in the desert is pretty cold, and doing it in the winter is even worse. Still, he managed to make a fire and that kept us pretty warm as we slept. When morning came, there wasn’t frost on the ground, but that was because we were in the Spanish scrub lands. It was cold though, bitterly so. I got up and found that Church was already having trouble. I’m a quick riser, so when I noticed that we’d managed to get ourselves surrounded while we slept I figured out exactly how much trouble we were in right away. I couldn’t help but notice that we were surrounded by Nazis on all sides.

“Mister Church and Mister Collier.” One of the men, a blonde guy whose accent clearly came from Michigan, said to us.

“That’s right.” I nodded. “Do you want to take our guns now or are we supposed to have resisted?”

“Why would I need an excuse?” He shrugged. “I could just shoot you and bury you out here, no one would even know you’d ever been here.”

“You could?” I asked.

“Well, I would have the men do it obviously.” He smiled and gave a nice chuckle. I have no way to prove it, but I’m pretty sure he worked for Pioneer Sugar before joining up with these guys. I’m guessing he was in packaging and I’m guessing he was fired for being a Nazi fucktard. I will always love Pioneer Sugar for firing this asshole. If only they were here now to see that they were justified in their decision.

“Obviously.” I nodded and looked around the barren area we were in.

“Let’s go then.” The Nazi fucktard said waving Church and I toward a large helicopter.

I must admit, I did wonder for a moment how exactly we’d managed to sleep through the landing of such a vehicle, but I really had other things on my mind at that moment. I was curious as to why they wouldn’t search us for weapons, why they wouldn’t hand cuff us, or even why we weren’t just shot on sight. These were odd things to have going on, particularly for a pair of bad asses like us. I knew Church well enough to know that anyone pointing a gun at him should be pretty sure that he could never even get close to being able to surprise them. Despite this, they turned their backs on him, let him sit where ever he wanted and acted like we were VIPs being picked up to be taken to see the CEO of a major corporation.

“I’m just wondering.” I said to the Nazi fucktard as we sat down. “Did Mrs. White tell you not to harm us?”

“The White Queen’s instructions to us are none of your business.” He snarled, which was a pretty weak reaction if you ask me. It’s hard to show how tough you are when you’ve just revealed that your balls live in your boss’s desk drawer.

I leaned back and tucked my hat down over my eyes as we flew. Strange to say that I fell asleep in that situation, but I did. I don’t know exactly how long we flew, but when I woke up we were in the Pyrenees, which was a little surprising. Church was sitting in the exact same place as he’d been before, looking out the window with little interest but wanting something to look at. I sat up, stretching in such a way that I managed to check each weapon in my small arsenal.

“Are we over the Pyrenees?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Church muttered. “Did you fall asleep?”

“For a little while.” I admitted.

The helicopter flew over the mountains for a while until finally it started to lower towards a large glacier that looked much like the other ones to me. I looked at my watch and the two buttons that were on it. I rubbed one of them, thinking about what pressing it would accomplish. I then sat back in the chair as we lowered.

I could see a large villa on top of one the mountains and I guessed that was where we were headed. Lights started to blink and a round helipad was lit up suddenly and we descended towards it. It was an odd helipad, being made into a circle instead of a square, with a small lip around the edge and ladders leading down the side. One large bridge connected the villa with the helipad. The chopper landed and we were escorted into the large structure that looked like a mix between a ski resort and an evil villain’s lair. I decided to push my luck around all the men with guns by reaching into my coat pocket and pulling out my cell phone.

“I missed a call.” I said looking at it and stopped.

Everyone just stopped as I scrolled through my phone book and dialed a number. They then waited as I hit a few buttons, listened in silence, hit a few more buttons and then slipped the phone into my pocket. They were all watching me, but not a single one of them decided to actually do anything about me and my phone.

“Anything important?” Church asked.

“Nah.” I shook my head. “The office would like to know exactly what the hell I think I’m doing and where I am, but I don’t know either so what am I going to do?”

“Yeah.” The Nazi fucktard said giving my shoulder a shove. “The White Queen is waiting.”

We passed through half a dozen rooms where other Nazi Shitheads were running through training simulators, putting together weapons and doing other things that a person like me shouldn’t have been allowed to see. I suddenly became a little worried here, because it meant that I was clearly not going to ever see the outside again. If I got to see the blue sky again, it would be a miracle. Strange to relate, miracles seem to come a lot sooner than they used to.

We were taken into a large chamber where the entire south wall had been made entirely out of glass. A large desk sat at one end, with the chair swiveled away from us so that the occupant could look out at the blue cloudless sky.

“So you would be Mrs. White then.” I said walking towards the desk. “The leader of Unicorn, or Lion, or Squid, or whatever you want to call it.”

“Don’t go any further Jack.” Church said. I turned to see him with his gun in hand, and I nodded to him and smiled.

“I should have figured that one out a long time ago, shouldn’t I?” I asked.

“I gave you all the hints you needed.” Church said walking to me and relieving me of both my guns.

“So you might as well let me see you face to face Mrs. White.” I announced. “You’ve clearly got the drop on me.”

“I probably can.” Mrs. White said, still not turning. “We don’t need to kill you Mister Collier.”

“Oh no?” I asked.

“You’ve caused us a lot of hassle, but it may be you want to work for us.” She said resting her right hand in view, letting me see a gold ring that had a ruby get with two emeralds. “The rewards are substantial.”

“They’d have to be.” I said.

“Oh but they are.” She said turning. “You can be with me and we can rule together.”

I saw her face and I must admit my jaw fell open a little. It didn’t drop to my chin or anything, but my mouth did hang open for a moment. Had there been a fly, it could have gone right in and laid its eggs on my tonsils if it wanted. I watched as she got up, all smiles for me and tried to remember exactly why I was there and what I was trying to save. I wanted to talk about the evils that had been perpetrated in the last few days, but sadly only five words came from my lips.

“Christmas.” I said. “Son of a bitch.”

Momma Effin' Snakes on A Mellon-Farming Plane!

Who saw that one coming?

Well, I did.


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