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For Your Toys Only (Episode 16)

Episode Sixteen
Saving Santa
Directed by George Lucas (Circa 1976)

It wasn’t exactly a large prison, but that was clearly what this was. It probably had a name like ‘Detention Center’ or possibly ‘Free Speech Zone’ but it was defiantly a prison. Jack circled twice before setting the sleigh down just inside the large stone walls. He decided to try and bluff his way through the rushing guards and quickly came up with a story as they came towards him.

“Some god damn tracking system on this.” He complained pointing at the sleigh, “Brought me back here like it was on auto pilot or something. We’ll have to get the fat bastard to tell us how it works. For now, don’t touch anything!”

“Yes sir!” He wasn’t surprised to find himself saluted by the men who were in a mixture of Red Water and Nazi Uniforms. They weren’t vintage, as all the words on the uniforms were in English and used block letters instead of that font the Germans were known for.

He followed one of them in and as they got inside the guard who was leading him was smashed across the head and a pistol was shoved in his face. Jack looked down the barrel and recognized the man holding it on him. The face was familiar, but the fact that he was in a Red Water uniform was a little confusing.

“Jim?” He asked.

“Jack?” Jim asked drawing the gun away.

“Did I just hit one of ours?” Another agent named Jason asked.

“No.” Jack shook his head. “One of theirs.”

“Well, you can probably fit into his uniform and we can get out of here.” Jason said.

“I just got in.” Jack said. “The sleigh told me Santa’s here in the south wing.”

“He’s been here the whole time?” Jim asked.

“I guess.” Jack said. “I’ve only just found out.”

“We got caught in Jamaca and sent here our first day out.”

“Then you don’t know what’s going on out there?” Jack asked.

“No.” Jim shook his head. “We’ve been too busy playing Wolfenstien.”

“Well, the short version is that the Nazi’s are in the government trying to take down the Agency and are after all of us.” Jack said and looked at the man on the floor. “And while we’re at it, the sleigh seems to be filled with presents that have bombs in them.”

“Fuck cakes.” Jason muttered.

“I was just saying something like that myself.” Jack nodded. “So we’ve got to get Santa out of here, get rid of the fake presents, help him get some real gifts and then find out who the hell is behind this.”

“Glad to see we’ve got easily defined goals.” Jim said.
Jack quickly slipped on the Nazi’s uniform jacket, which were a little too big, but that gave him room to wear his own clothes under it.. They made their way down to the south wing and at the front of the wing there were two more guards. Jack looked at Jim and Jason, hoping they would hold their fire long enough not to start a lock down of the entire place.

“They want Santa out there.” Jack said before anyone could get a different lie out.

“No one called.” One of the guards said reaching for his phone.

“They just got word about it.” Jason said walking towards them and then suddenly becoming a spinning ball of limbs. In about two seconds the guards were out and Jason was tucking them under the desk. He looked at the panel in front of him and tossed Jack the keys. “He’s in 1137. Jack, you go get him we’ll wait here.”

“Okay.” Jack ran down the hall, made a turn to the left when the hall ended and ran down the stone walled hall until he came to a large wooden door with the number 1137 on it. He unlocked the large pad lock, opened the latch and walked through the door.


“Where are Joe and Mike?” Another guard asked as he appeared on rounds.

“Lunch.” Jim said.

“They don’t go to lunch for three hours.” The second guard said as he touched the gun at his side.

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Jason said shrugging. “They told us to come fill in because Joe and Mike had to go to lunch early. We’re not supposed to be here either you know.”

“Who are you guys? What are you’re operating numbers?” The guard asked starting to draw his pistol.

Jim’s hand came up with the machine gun he’d liberated from the guards and shot the man with half a dozen rounds. There was a moment of silence and then a lot of shouting started.

“Boring conversation anyway.” He turned to the hall and shouted down it. “Jack, we’re gonna have company!”

Cell 1137

Jack turned his head to listen to Jim shout and then stepped into the room. There was some small arms fire and then a disturbing silence. This meant that either Jim and Jason were dead or they’d run away. Neither of those were very good options. Jack swung the door closed and then turned around to see the man in the cell.

He looked very sad, and about a thousand years old. He might not look so bad under normal conditions, but here in the cell he looked almost pathetic. Jack grabbed the cap and threw it to one side, pulling his own hat out and replacing it on his head as he stripped off the Nazi jacket that covered his suit and let it fall to the floor. He then loosened his tie and looked at the old man on the bench of the cell.

“Santa?” Jack said. “My name is Jack Collier, I’m here to rescue you.”

“What?” The old man asked.

“I’m Jack Collier, I’m here to rescue you.” He spoke quickly as he felt there wasn’t much time. “Do you want me to say that I’ve got your R2 unit and I’m here with Ben Kenobi?”

“No, no.” Santa shook his head. “It’s just normally you fellows introduce yourselves differently.”

“How so?”

“You know.” Santa waved a hand. “Last name, first name and then last name again. I’ve met a few of your guys on occasion, and that’s almost always how it happens.”

“No.” Jack shook his head. “I don’t do that. I’m not a spy, I’m a private detective.”

And that was it, wasn’t it? Now that he’d said it out loud he couldn’t exactly deny it could he? He’d been thinking it for months, but hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself. This wasn’t really his racket, he was just doing this for a while. Really, he was a detective. Fine then, if he was going to be a detective, he would start acting like one. He would get Santa out of here as his last nod to his obligation as an action hero, and then he’d get down to finding out who exactly had been doing this. He pulled the Walther out and checked the clip. Seven in the clip, one in the pipe, that wasn’t a lot of rounds to go on.

Still, if he shot enough guards, one or two of them might random drop guns or ammo. If he was lucky, some of them might even drop a health kit and he could fix the pain in his jaw and nose just by picking them up and putting his health bar up. That was probably a long shot, but it might come true after everything else that had happened today.


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