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For Your Toys Only (Episode 15)

Episode Fifteen
Raiders of the Lost Sleigh
Directed by Steven Spielberg (no it’s okay it’s Spielberg circa 1981)

Jack watched the video one last time as he heard the sound of an approaching helicopter. The people who stormed the workshop were dressed like Nazi soldiers, which was insane. It must have been some kind of sick joke or something. The lay out was right though, and it was clearly a massacre instead of some highschool production. He had to stop worrying about it though because the chopper was landing.

Jack got into the helicopter with the large blue emblem saying “Freedom Corp” on the side in block letters feeling bad that he’d sent The Cinnamon Bear and his group to go on the ground. As he had supposed, the word had indeed gotten out and every thug on the East Coast was converging on Red Water’s headquarters. They could hear the fighting over the roar of the helicopter as they flew towards the instillation.

“Mister Collier.” One of the pilots shouted through the mouthpiece.

“Yes Captain?” Jack called back.

“There’s a box at your feet, Mrs. Freedom said we were to give it to you when we arrived.”

Jack looked at the box under his chair and opened it. There was a dark gray fedora and a note from her. He opened the note and read the delicately written lines, wondering how she’d gotten the note to him so quickly since it was only seven since he’d called.

‘Jack my darling,” The note read, “I know you’re wearing that dark gray suit I like, and you’ve probably got your charcoal blue tie on. I’m sure this is what you’re missing though, you always look so dashing in it. Save the day for me, Liberty.’

Jack reached into the box and picked up the hat when the pilot cried into the head phones.

“Sweet Nancy Reagan! What the hell it that?” Jack turned and saw a sleigh led by eight reindeer raise into the air from the compound.

“Follow it!” He yelled throwing off the head phones and sliding the hat onto his head. He then picked up the phones and spoke into the microphone. “Get that sleigh!”

The Helicopter followed as fast as it could, actually over taking the sleigh for a moment. It was when Jack saw someone in the passenger seat aiming something that he realized why they’d let them get so far ahead. Jack grabbed the rifle that Liberty had provided as the minigun on the sleigh began to fire. The rotors of the helicopter were hit and the vehicle rocked. Jack fired a round and the shooter fell back and then off the sleigh. The damage had been down though and as the sleigh started to speed up, Jack jumped for it.

There was a long moment as Jack considered exactly how stupid he must be, while he was free-falling toward the sleigh. The flying snow conveyance passed under him and as it rocketed past he just managed to grab hold of a long bar that went across the back of the sleigh. He swung his body down, pressed his legs to the back and leapt up into the back of the sleigh, onto a large mound of Buddha Day presents. He hand caught a jump rope and for reasons he wasn’t entirely clear on he stuffed it into his over coat pocket. He was then attacked by a Nazi.

The man was in a gray uniform, with the arm band and helmet of a comic book Nazi. Why the hell where there Nazi’s in two thousand seven? Jakc didn’t bother to ask, just punched him in the face as hard as he could and then leveled a kick into his chest, sending the Nazi over board.

“He’s killed Davey.” One of the other Nazis called out, showing that they were Americans and not Germans. Jack punched that Nazi in the face and sent him reeling over the edge, giving a very distinctive scream as he fell.

“Wilhelm!” Another shouted.

This one pulled out a gun and fired a shot that caught Jack in the left arm, grazing his bicep below the shoulder. He trained another shot and was about to fire, but Jack struck him under the jaw with his open palm. This one didn’t fall off the edge, but instead punched Jack in the face. He fell back, grabbing a sack of toys which caused them to split open. He pulled himself back into the sleigh as the Nazi came towards his with both hands curled into fists. A set of knuckles crashed into his head, across the left cheek. Another fist was coming in, but he raised his right hand to block the swinging hand.

He had grabbed something from the split bag and smacked the crazed Nazi across the head with it. As it swirled past, he noticed that it was a small statue of the Buddha. As it crashed against the Nazi’s head it shattered open and Jack found himself holding onto a lump of plastic explosives with a detonator attached. The Nazi hit Jack across the face again and something snapped in his face. Jack grabbed the man’s lapels, kneed him in the crotch and then the stomach before throwing him off the edge.

He jumped into the front of the sleigh and found himself face to face with a truly huge man who smack him so hard across the jaw that Jack thought it had been dislocated. Fortunatuly, the massive man smacked him on the other side and knocked it back into place again. The Man then grabbed Jack by the collar of his over coat and threw him over the front of the sleigh. Jack slid along the polished and angled front of the sleigh, over the spot where he decided the equipment he needed was and slid off the curved front.

There was something like a hood ornament on the front of the sleigh. A two inch high scale recreation of a decorated fir tree, complete with a star on top. Jack’s hand caught the hood ornament and tried to hold onto the single hand hold on the front of the sleigh. The small metal tree was never meant to take the weight of a full grown man and started first to bend and then break off the front of the sleigh. There was nothing under him now but the snowy darkness.


“I can’t find any trace of him sir.” Alice said as she looked at the screen of her laptop.

“Look again Liddell!” K demanded from his bed. “We’ve got to find Jack so we can assist him. I’m not letting my men go that easily.”

Alice refreshed the tracking software again, hoping that something would happen that would help. She looked out the huge windows of K’s bed room and saw something fly by. It was the sleigh, and there was something on the bottom of it.

“I’ve found him sir.”


“THERE!” She said as she pointed out the window.

Everyone ran to the window and saw the gray coat holding onto the bottom of the sleigh as it flew past. A cheer suddenly went up in the room as the dozen agents work there saw him holding on for dear life on the bottom of the one thing that would help anyone find Santa Claus.

“How the hell does he keep his hat on like that?” K wondered aloud as the sleigh flew out of sight.

535 Feet above the ground.

As Jack slid down the front of the sleigh, he managed to barely catch a hold of one of the runners. His right hand went to his pocket and he pulled out the thing he’d grabbed when he first got on the sleigh, which turned out to be a jump rope. As his grip slipped he slung his hand towards the runner, the end of jump rope snaking out and catching the runner.

The rope went taught and Jack felt his body snap suddenly out to the back of the sleigh, where he was dragged behind the fast moving vessel. He began to pull himself up the rope, his muscles screaming with each tug on the rope. His hand got onto the runner, and he pulled himself up onto the sleigh again. Crawling along the edge of the massive red polished wood cart towards the front. He leapt fists first into the front seat and hit the driver as hard as he could. He knew he had guns, but there was something deep inside him that demanded he beat this Nazi fucktard to a pulp using nothing but his hands.

His fists managed to get all the right places, despite the fact that he could now only really see out of one eye and he was pretty sure that there was little left of his nose beyond the flat mass that was obscuring his shattered mouth. That didn’t really seem to matter anymore, nothing mundane like that mattered really. The world had clearly crossed its arms and demanded that it wasn’t going to make sense again until New Year’s Day, so why fight it?

He grabbed the big man by the collar of his own coat and smashed his head into the dash board. He then yanked him back to hit his head on the seat, which cracked from the force and the Jack hurled him off the front. The man screamed as he flew over the front and fell to his apparent death. Jack looked around for anyone else who wanted a piece of him and found no one.

“That’s right bitch! You don’t fuck with this motherfucker cause the motherfucker fucks back!” Jack screamed over his shoulder to the wake of destruction behind him and then turned to the reindeer. “Now let’s go find Santa!”

He switched on the tracking equipment, got an instant signal on Santa and grabbed at the leather reigns. He snapped the reigns and screamed a sound of encouragement over the howling wind. The reindeer seemed to understand that here was a completely different driver and picked up the pace in a way that can only be described as a geometric increase.

He saw a transmitter and flicked the switch on that, a red light above the words “Emergency Signal” started to blink, and Jack figured that pretty soon he would be up to his armpits in help or he’d be dead. Either way, his problems would probably be over soon.


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