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How We Became Poly, a tale in 3 acts

So I’m going to start by referring you to this post here. The Advanced Class might want to also familiarize themselves with this post and its sequel.

Next I’ll remind you of the question that got us here.

How did you realize you were polyamorous, and was it hard explaining to people what the situation was?

I’ll deal with the second part of the question first, as it is the shorter answer. The situation, when I perceived it was going to be a permanent situation, was not particularly hard to explain. I do slip around it at times when I need to, explaining things in the easiest to digest way for each person. Sometimes it’s easier to say I’m one or the other’s boyfriend or spouse, sometimes it’s easier to say we’re all roommates. The rings all match though, which can’t escape everyone’s attention. Usually people are willing to just let me have my way, because that’s easiest.

The situation has two major prongs, one is long and stable and the other isn’t. The stable situation is the current one. The other was like riding a tiger through a field of tigers, you sort of don’t want to hold on because you know this trip can’t last, but you know damn well you don’t want to let go either. The drama will nearly eat you alive if you’re not very clever, careful and lucky. If you’re like me, and I know I am, it quickly teaches you to avoid people who are crazy with extra crazy sauce.

Now there comes a time when you know you can’t actually tell a story without causing some kind of trouble, because it’s the sort of story that causes trouble. The story itself it trouble in a hat, and the only way to diffuse it is to tell it so many times you could tell it in your sleep… to your grandmother… at your grandfather’s funeral… while you’re supposed to be delivering the eulogy. Yeah, I so totally got written out of the will for that day’s foul work. Sleep the night before a funeral, that’s my advice! You don’t want to go on too much of a tangent.

So the story is this, in its quick and freeze dried form. The month is June, the year is 1995. At least I think so, because frankly me and dates just don’t get along. I can tell you a lot about the Battle of Bosworth field, the year it happened is not one of them. I’d also like to take this time to point out that Richard the Third was totally jobbed by Shakespeare, but that’s a story for another time.

The tale for today is the following short historical piece that I’ve sort of told over and over again, but I don’t think I’ve ever told as a coherent history. For obvious reasons I’m going to obfuscate certain parts of the story. There probably isn’t a very good reason for this, beyond my natural wish to never give anyone the entire story.

Now I must point out that if you want to try and use this as some kind of How To Guide, you won't find any useful details. The events in this story are mainly driven by luck and good pattern recognition skills. If you read the two stories I linked at the top, you'll see that I have no better idea how these things work than you do. That being said I present...

Act One
Me – Your hero
G – A Girlfriend
O – Other Girl

June, 1995
4:26 p.m.

As with many things, this story begins with a joke. G was sitting on my left and O was sitting on my right and breast size was being discussed. I forget what the actual joke was, which is just typical if you ask me, but the result is memorable enough. A challenge was issued and it while it was not delivered samurai style, it probably should have been. Had I known what kind of door I was opening when my hand closed around O’s right breast I probably would have demanded a written challenge to see whose boobs were bigger by direct contact. I reached out with my left hand and gently touched and squeezed O’s right breast and then giving a gentle squeeze moved off. A door opened at that moment, and instead of inching towards it with trepidation I charged towards the opening with vigor and aplomb.

Now I maintain that this is where the first mistake was made. G didn’t get angry at my squeezing of her friend’s breast, or the subsequent squeezing of her own. She merely rolled her eyes and said that it was an unnecessary maneuver. In her view, any idiot could have seen who had the larger breasts because O had a full cup size over her. She didn’t get mad, in fact she seemed to be amused by the fact that I had taken up the challenge, even without it being formally written and delivered by a second.

So the joking continued, with a distinctly more flirtatious direction. A kiss passed between O and I. Again there was no protest. In fact when O requested to G that she be allowed to “Borrow your boyfriend for a while” G gave her assent quickly and with great delight.

There is a little more after that, but not much because an intermission follows. We had to take O to a driver’s class and then pick her up afterwards. This we did, because I was still the only one with a license and car. A discussion passed between G and I, and she pointed out that she simply didn’t feel jealous or anything about what had transpired. Once we retrieved O, the three of us went back to my house and down to my room which was in the basement at the time, the joking and flirting continued.

At some point, O and I became disrobed and sexual intercourse ensued between the two of us while G watched. Some kissing and fondling also passed between the two girls and O managed to get G’s shirt open and her bra off. Sexual intercourse was then committed between O and I a few more times in different styles and positions (you aren’t getting any more graphic details than that my pervy friends) before we took O home where a few more go’s were had. Looking back 11 years later, I’m not sure I could manage to perform that many times in one day again. I would be willing to try, but I would likely fail.

Now here is the funny part. When discussed later, the two girls both admitted that they were waiting for some one to say “Well, that was fun and all, but enough is enough” or something of the like. It seems neither one really wanted to stop, but they were both sort of afraid to continue. However, scared as they might have been, neither one of them wanted to chicken out in front of the other and be the cause of all the fun ending. They labored under the impression that I was also waiting for the announcement that a joke was a joke, in truth I was living in terror that someone might say it. At 19 year old, with two girls kissing and grabbing and having sex with me I don’t think the idea that we should stop ever entered my head.

Anyway, that day in June is where the word virgin was struck from my record permanently.

Yeah, in a conversation about how you ‘lost it’ I always try to go last. For some reason “I banged my GF’s best friend while they were feeling each other up” is sort of a show stopper. It’s rare that I hear a better one than that. O and I had sex without G once or twice, but pretty much it was always the three of us, G got involved in the second event to a greater degree. By the end one could say the entire relationship O had consummated with everyone, even though G and I didn’t actually have sex with each other until long after O was out of the picture.

So now I’m going to gloss over a HUGE amount of detail because A) You don’t need it and B) I have no desire to ride over certain amounts of rough ground again.

The sex was good, and I feel that G and I both loved O. I would say that O really and truly loved G and liked to have sex with me. Towards the end, O expressed being in love with me, but soon after that rough ground shows its face. The problem is that O had emotional problems, and I was no where near mature enough to recognize them. Okay, granted if I took a poll of the people who knew her I would say none of us really recognized the problems until later.

The main, number one problem was that O put sexual activity and emotional attachment in the same basket. Not only that, but she would refuse to believe you harbored the one for her if you didn’t give her the other as well. This led to problems as you might imagine. We’ll gloss over those as well I think. Suffice to say it ended more or less with O vanishing off the face of the earth never to be seen again at least for many years.

And as they say in Infocom games when you type “wait”…

Time passes

Act Two
Me – the hero with whom you fall more deeply in love with on each passing word.
G – A Girlfriend
P – A Poly Woman

So some time goes buy, and the fundamental things continue to apply. You see what I did there? No? Fuck you for never watching a classic movie then! Anyway, G and I meet P through her boyfriend. Actually G meets the boyfriend, who introduces us to P who takes an interest in me. Actually I think P took an interest in anything that looked slightly interesting to be perfectly honest. She wanted to get me and G into bed, or just me or just G or me G and who ever else might fit.

P is the person who loaned me things like The Ethical Slut as well as hundreds of flyers for her favorite subject which was polyamory. She wanted to be a one woman crusade for the subject, sadly she wanted to do it by fucking everyone into submission. That’s not really fair, I’m putting this through my filter where she was always trying to throw herself at me. Her biggest problem was, by her admission, that she was a little to attached to the hippie concept of free love. I wouldn’t even say it was always unwanted attention, but it would have turned out bad if we’d consummated that relationship. I wouldn’t say she was bad for the subject, but it did strike me that the idea could use a better advertising campaign. Little did I know who would be very quietly carrying the banner for this idea, being the chief explainer as it seems I am.

It was from P that I first heard the word polyamory though, which I now understand was a pretty new word at time. Anyway, that was how I figured out what it was we’d been doing, even though we didn’t really need a term to be honest. I didn’t really take to the term until much later, when I realized that other people were in fact using it. I’m not one for picking up new terms for the hell of it, so I always sort of stayed away from the term until semi-recently.

There can’t really be said to have been an ending with P, because there wasn’t much of a start to begin with. We just drifted like people do because of circumstances beyond our control. It just sort of happened. However, I felt it was important to discuss this part, because it was around that time that we decided to admit things to certain people including ourselves. It’s also through reading those books and glancing at the pamphlets that we learned a lot of terms and things which would become useful later.

One again we type ‘wait’ and once again we get told…
Time passes

Act Three
Me – the guy of your dreams
Syd – Syd
Hol – Holly

This is going to be the shortest because it’s the best documented.

Met Hol, Syd liked her, we got together. I would like to point out that I told Hol a head of time that there would probably be other girls. I told her that this was not a single person ride, I told her that there would be others. She agreed and then later claimed she didn’t know what she was talking about. Proof that jealousy can be a problem even when the other person says it won’t be.

We lived together for a long time, but it was a two prong relationship for a good long time. Hol was with me, Syd was with me, and we all lived together, but we weren’t all together if you follow me. Well, we did all get together in May of 2005 which is what this post was all about. We’ve been doing that ever since (though not nearly as often as I would like) and things have been going well.

Now I could go through a lot of details, like people who wanted to sign up for positions but were rejected for one reason or another. They’re not really important though because they didn’t get in and didn’t make an impact on the journey. You guys wanted to know what got us here, and it took about five pages over all for me to tell you, so I hope you’re more or less satisfied. I will be taking questions later if you want.

But now I must go because my mother is knocking on the door.

EDIT: I've made a few minor changes to this, mostly formatting. There is a disclaimer added just before the story gets started for real.


( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks for posting this darlin. I didn't realize how much would go into what was (as I mistakenly thought) an innocuous question. (Oh, and check out the sweet vocab!) But really, I appreciate you going into this and taking the time to explain. I like knowing more about you!

Hope things are well, they are on my end!

Oh, and I probably owe you a phone call. Since I'll pretty much just be "SQUEE!"ing all weekend, how bout Monday or Tuesday? Sound good?
Jul. 21st, 2007 11:17 am (UTC)
I didn't realize how much would go into what was (as I mistakenly thought) an innocuous question.
There are no simple answers if I decide to answer the question correctly. Particularly anything in my personal history, I could tie you up for days on personal history.

how bout Monday or Tuesday? Sound good?
Yeah, thats cool. Then you can tell me how it went with the new boy and all that.
Jul. 20th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
I'm going to read this later when I'm not at work, but first, I would like to express my enjoyment of the tiger-riding analogy.
Jul. 21st, 2007 06:44 am (UTC)
I'd like to second that appreciation of the tiger analogy. It makes me want to work it into casual conversations.

Also, this was very interesting. (I even took the Advanced Class for extra credit.) My own story has some odd similarities and its good share of dissimilarities. It's really cool to hear how things work out and do work from someone in a reasonably functional poly situation. I've heard lots from non-functional situations, but you can only appreciate so many cautionary tales before you yearn for pleasanter fare.
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 21st, 2007 12:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - saxifrage00 - Jul. 21st, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:20 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 21st, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - saxifrage00 - Jul. 21st, 2007 06:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:59 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 21st, 2007 12:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:52 pm (UTC)
Thanks for sharin' your history. You three are the only successful long term poly relationship that I know of, congrats!

Your story reminds me again that to make a good long term relationship, you've -must- have healthy, mature adults who are honest with both themselves and others. (There are probably more necessities but I can't think of any more.)
Jul. 21st, 2007 12:21 pm (UTC)
I shall try to remind people that we're around and stuff.
(no subject) - ciarrainic - Jul. 22nd, 2007 04:47 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:57 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - ciarrainic - Jul. 22nd, 2007 04:47 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:57 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 21st, 2007 01:55 am (UTC)
Thanks for sharing that. I had wondered how this'd come about for y'all, and it's nice to see the answer made clear. It's especially helpful as I've never been or figured I'm able to be part of a poly relationship.

Again, thanks.
Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:07 am (UTC)
I don't think most people are able to be in one. I've always disagreed with the poly people who say that anyone can do this if their mature enough or whatever else. I don't particularly think maturity or understanding really have as much to do with it (okay, they do for the succsess, but you can have them and still fail) as it does just having a natural proclivity. I get very angry at people who think you could maintain a poly relationship if you were just "mature" or "understanding" enough. I know, I went off on a tangent, but once I thought of that point it stuck in my craw again.

I assume I would have fallen into this sort of thing sooner or later no matter what happened because I'm just built that way. On the flip to that, I think that most people aren't built that way, other wise a lot more people would be doing it.
(no subject) - apostate_96 - Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - droewyn - Jul. 30th, 2007 01:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - apostate_96 - Aug. 3rd, 2007 04:00 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 21st, 2007 06:05 am (UTC)
Very interesting. I wish that I could say that my first time was half as cool. But it was fun and started with tickling the daylights out of each other and much kissing.
Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:08 am (UTC)
Well, at least you've had a first time, and hopefully a 232nd time as well.
(no subject) - thewayne - Jul. 23rd, 2007 06:21 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 21st, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC)
You know, it kinda bugs me, the title... I mean it's about what happend to your life, but it's just that you are that way and that you can life this "lifestyle". I mean... I guess I can't really express what I mean, but I guess people could think "oh, I want to go on living like he does, so how is it done?", but that's not really possible. Either you are feeling that way and met the right people,or you just don't.
So while it's interesting to read (which is also the fault of your ability to write a good style), it's for me rather something of "oh, interesting, he did this and that and met people" and not some kind of "the wonderful and bizzare tale of a guy who found the magic key to get more than one chick into his bed". I might not have any point so that might be why you don't find any in my rambling... I might be commenting again, when I know what I want to say.
Jul. 21st, 2007 02:07 pm (UTC)
No, I think I understand what you mean. I was hoping to roll out a history and give it a nifty sounding title. Next time I'll call it "Don't try this at home" or something like that.
(no subject) - tinchen - Jul. 21st, 2007 02:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 21st, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 23rd, 2007 04:45 am (UTC)
You've finished reading the tale.


You express your approval of the story.




That's a broad category.


No slogans, please.


That'll get you [CENSORED].


You ask if there will be details in some other post.
Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:02 am (UTC)
You know, I had to read this twice before I got what the hell you were driving at. Now that I have, I feel very very stupid for not getting it the first time.

I'll need to know what part you want more details about, because some parts have been deliberately glossed over. If I know exactly what you want details on them maybe I can furnish them. If it's the wrong spot though, I might not be able to, but as usual you probably know by know I'll gently let you know what's off limits.
(no subject) - silveradept - Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:20 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - greyweirdo - Jul. 23rd, 2007 05:41 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 28th, 2011 09:59 pm (UTC)

Is everyone on my flist? How did this happen?


(Kidding. I knew.)
Jan. 29th, 2011 05:33 am (UTC)
Yes, and despite the situation exploding lest year (around this time really) we still are.

(no subject) - brangwaine - Jan. 29th, 2011 10:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
( 36 comments — Leave a comment )

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