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Jack Collier: Private Eye A Jack Collier Story By Brett N. Lashuay Chapter Twenty-Eight can be found here. ( Chapter Twenty-Nine: Then the Knight Saves the Princess ) What am I listening to?: Bonnie Tyler - Holding Out For A Hero |
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Want to screw with people? Here's a great way. Have t-shirts made with the names of fake bands on them and then roll your eyes when people ask who Monks & Madness are and what kind of music they play. For added fun, grumble something about them being "only the best post-punk, neo-skiffle band in existence" and to further muddy the waters explain you first heard them when they opened for Rat Scallion last year. Never EVER explain who Rat Scallion are, just look like the person you're talking to is an idiot for not knowing them and walk away in disgust. And remember kids, the more remote the starting location for your bands are, the more points you'll score. After about a week of this people will be petrified to talk about music with you at all, and will believe that you're only listening to Katy Perry because you want something to clear your pallet between the "real" music you're listening to.
Also, people keep calling me cynical for some reason that I don't fully understand. |
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Word!
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Jul. 19th, 2009 @ 05:11 am
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A Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair, and one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share.
WORD!Feeling:  still angry What am I listening to?: Musicmatch Jukebox |
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I hate the world and Ann Arbor.
The next time someone tells me how they love Ann Arbor, and what an awesome town it is, I think I'm going to have to knock all their teeth out. Then I'll choke them to death on their own fingers, a task made all the easier by getting those pesky teeth out of the way, and end by wearing their esophagus as a necktie.
That might be too harsh though. I mean there's nothing wrong with Ann Arbor that couldn't be solved by 6 months of heavy, indiscriminate aerial bombing. Get some surplus WWII blockbusters and just let ten or twelve squadrons drop entire loads of those over the town five times a day for half a year, that’d probably solve most my problems with the place. Or possibly one good solid nuke, something that would just leave a sheet of glass to mark the spot. It is the sort of place that brings to mind the phrase “Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
Also, when I'm wearing a face that in the natural world would come in bright red with black stripes... don't fucking touch me. If not for the ludicrously pinko laws we have in this god forsaken nation, I would have ripped her face off right there and worn it as a hat. I have been developing a serious aversion to being touched by anyone not on my intimate list lately and this fucking woman just walked up, and started talking to me and touching me when I was wearing my “I will kill you! I will kill you and eat you unless I can think of something worse to do” face. I can't stress enough how much I don't want to be touched lately, and yet people keep touching me. This isn’t just rude, it’s stupid. I’m not nice. Or understanding. I bite… hard.
I think I’m just going to start stabbing people. That would also be a step towards creating proper etiquette in the world, as I would have killed all the fucktards who don’t understand it’s rude to just walk up to someone and grab hold of them. Think of it as social evolution, or natural selection, or just me stabbing motherfuckers what clearly have grown tired of this mortal coil but fear the social stigma of suicide.
And if I have to add that my headache is a thousand times worse, then you haven't been paying attention and should just strip ten points from your score.
However, Holly got a great big dictionary, so she was happy before this whole Ann Arbor debacle started.Feeling: angry What am I listening to?: Blues Traveler - Pretty Angry (For J. Sheehan) |
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Now the ‘rules’ said to use only song names from one artist, I was supposed answer the questions (most of which aren’t actually questions) and that I wasn’t to repeat song titles. Now it claims that this is a lot harder than one might suppose, which is foolish because I chose Prince. That gives me nearly 500 songs to choose from when you consider all the songs he wrote and released in one form or another. Even if I hamstring myself and don’t put in The Time or any of those ancillary groups, I still have well over 400 songs. I could have answered a lot more questions.
Are you a male or female?
Pretty Man
Describe yourself:
Sexy M.F.
How do you feel:
I Rock, Therefore I Am
Describe where you currently live:
White Mansion
If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Erotic City
Your favorite form of transportation:
Little Red Corvette (This one was required by law)
Your best friend is:
Starfish & Coffee
What's the weather like:
Play in the Sunshine (yeah, fuck that law)
Favorite time of day:
All The Midnights In The World
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Colonized Mind
What is life to you:
One Kiss at a Time
Your joy:
Joy in Repetition
What is the best advice you have to give:
Feel Good, Feel Better, Feel Wonderful
Thought for the Day:
Sometimes It Snows in April
How I would like to die:
Batdance
My soul's present condition:
Emancipation
My motto:
Cloreen Bacon SkinWhat am I listening to?: Prince - Cloreen Bacon Skin |
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Favs
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Jul. 18th, 2009 @ 01:18 am
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The Collyer Brothers remain some of my favorite crazies of all time. Although I wonder if I should just say Langley, since Homer's condition could have made him a prisoner to his brother's whims.Feeling:  amused |
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I feel like I'm in a Bill Cosby comedy bit about him talking to his grandfather...
"You know who died?
"Who?"
"Everybody, everybody I've ever met has died."
He claimed that it was always like this talking to his grandfather...
"You know who died? A lot of people."
Only in this case it's celebrities so they're people I've actually heard of and would recognize in a line up. That's more than I can say for dead relatives my mother keeps telling me about.What am I listening to?: Led Zeppelin - Bron-Y-Aur Stomp |
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Seasonal headaches are fun, aren’t they?
Hurts so bad that you get stressed out and the stress causes a secondary headache, and you end up with something that can only barely be touched by modern science. Even the wizardry of concentrated breathing and stress reduction techniques from the ancient mists of The Orient* can’t help. Best I can do is dull the edges and make a dull throb out of the sharp stabs.
Great fun, and let me tell you friends and neighbors it’s so entertaining during those long nights when you can’t sleep. Makes it worth the insomnia they induce to stay up and enjoy every moment.
*(or do all those things come from the Aztecs now? I’m sort of out of touch) |
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To be perfectly honest, when I found out that Catherine the Great didn't really die from a horse-boning related mishap, she got a little less awesome in my mind. This is because I judge all historical figures by how they bowwed their chicka-wow-wow if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
...
I'm talking about how they fuck.
Plebeians.
Where was I?
Right Cathy the Great...
But then I learned that she DID get it on with just about every hot young officer in the country, right up to the grand age of 67 and it was alright again.Feeling: amused What am I listening to?: Paul Simon - Hurricane Eye |
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Holly got this set of pewter cups and serving tray from a co-worker. We're trying to work out how old it is. I'm assuming the answer is either "not very" or if it is old then "not old enough to be of any real value."
One thing I want to know is if it's safe to drink from. I'm told that lead pewter should be sort of blueish when it tarnishes, this is just sort of dull gray. They do need a good polishing whatever their safety levels are. I'm told I can get a swab from the hardware store and find out in like 5 minutes. I'm told this by the internet though, and the internet thinks Chuck Norris is some kind of super man despite the fact he lost a fight to a man who thought so little of him he made chicken noises through the whole fight, so what does the internet know? If you want to find an indestructible man I would like to point out that that swords, stones, electricity, glass, and 100 foot falls from clock towers onto his head have failed to kill Jackie Chan, and he never even debased himself by flying on a jetpack.
But I digress. ( Let's look at these cups... )What am I listening to?: Musicmatch Jukebox |
| » Sadko (1953) Film Review |
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Well I saw how the poll turned out, but that’s too damn bad! I’ve been feeling useless and out of sorts and while I can’t seem to make ANYONE feel better, I can goddamn fucking well review one of the best Russian movies I’ve ever seen. I know the serials won, but I don’t care. It’d take too long and I feel too crabby.
So let’s go…
Sadko (1951 Mosfilm Dir. Aleksandr Ptushko)
( Sadko! )
Jul. 15th, 2009 @ 09:45 am
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| » Oh internet... |
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So... my wordpress blog (What? Don't you have 9 blogs too?) stats tells me a lot of fun things. I go check every couple of days just to see if I've had any visitors and what search queries brought them to my corner of the world.
Today, someone looked at this post about free speech, because they were looking for never ending handjob.
Now, granted, my post includes the deliberately incendiary phrase Ronald Regan sucks cocks in hell while Dashiell Hammett gives him a never ending hand job, but I can't help but think that probably wasn't what the young lad (I assume it as a young lad) was after. Still, always nice to know what’s bringing the crowds in, right?
Jul. 15th, 2009 @ 06:49 am
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| » Instructions |
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Step One: Look at this sign.
Step Two: Do what the sign says.
Step Three: Show us your tits.
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
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| » Always |
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In old crappy Sci-Fi movies, the new thing, the formula, the rocket, the atomic material is always code named X-13.
Also, if I may just make a point here...
RADIATION DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 05:56 pm
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| » G'Night kids... |
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I feel like shit
I feel tired
and there isn't any good reason for me to say up
So I'm not going to
I'm going to go to bed.
I would like to say "Screw you guys, I'm going to bed" but it's not really you guys that have annoyed me.
In fact, I'm quite fond of some of you.
Either way, I'm going to bed now.
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 07:46 am
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| » Still open. |
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I decided that because I was so late with the Silly Story that I'd give the poll a few more days this week, maybe we'll go back later, maybe I'll post the next bit on mondayu like normal and skip this week to get bakc on track. WHO KNOWS? Not me, that's for sure. The point is that the poll is still open and you can pick a choice.
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 01:24 am
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| » Birthday |
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All she wanted was some recorded voices, told me months ago and I kept meaning to get to it, but I also kept forgetting. Sad, forgetful me. Anyway, hopefully she'll forgive me when I shout...
Happy Birthday ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) enderfem!!!!!!!!!!
Jul. 13th, 2009 @ 06:29 am
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| » Just trust me when I say there is a reason for this. |
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Poll #1429022 Hypothetically speaking
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllWhich would you rather?
Jul. 13th, 2009 @ 03:21 am
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| » Ep 8276: In which I tell great authors why they suck. |
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My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun (Sonnet 130)
by William Shakespeare
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Note to the Author: While women appreciate honesty, they don't appreciate it that much. It doesn’t really work to inform her “Sweetie, you look a bit of a fright in the morning.” Even if you try to make it up in the last two lines, don't be surprised if she's banging Marlow by morning.
Jul. 13th, 2009 @ 02:48 am
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| » HA HA! |
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( IT WORKS! IT'S ALIVE )
Jul. 13th, 2009 @ 12:00 am
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| » HEY! |
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Happy Birthday mycroftca!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 12:04 am
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| » Black Cinema |
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It occurred to me today that I haven’t seen much about what used to be called Race Films. That is, movies made for a black audience with black actors and sometimes with black writers, directors and producers. These were the sort of movies that would have things like “An All Colored Cast” on the on the poster and would rarely be shown to white audiences. These were before the Blacksplotation period of filmmaking. I’m not talking about blacksploitation movies, these are earlier than that. By the way, can anyone tell me if wikipedia’s spelling as Blaxploitation is correct? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it written that way and it looks a little weird.
I’ve seen parts of Hallelujah! and The Emperor Jones sounds familiar, but beyond that this seems to be a pretty much forgotten period in cinema. If anything, it seems like a lot of white critics are embarrassed to talk about it, because it represents segregation and instead of discussing that topic they’d rather segregate their reviews… which is ironic when you think about it.
Sort of like Stepin Fetchit has been excised from the movies he was in, which is supposed to be sensitive because they’re removing a stereotype from the screen, but it always reads to me as “Oh my GOD! What is that black person doing in my classic movie? Get him off! GET HIM OFF!!!!” I’d rather have the portrayal, examine it for what it is, and then discuss it than try to pretend it never happened. I’ve been told that the role isn’t completely negative, and that it represents a sly subversion, but since I've never actually seen a movie with Stepin Fetchit in it, I can't judge for myself.
I decided that I want to see some of these movies, so I found this site that has some lists and some reviews and I’m going to gather up some of these old movies and check them out.
I can find lots of crappy Grindhouse sets and Exploitation sets, surely a set of old black movies shouldn't be that hard to find right?
...he said knowing exactly how tough finding something he wants can be.
Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 10:44 pm
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| » Well |
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Okay, one hint...
Discover Simple, Private Sharing at Drop.io
Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 05:46 am
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| » Well |
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Now here's something interesting.
No hints, just click.
Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 02:50 am
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| » 100 years later... |
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My mother always claimed that no one really swore before the 1960s. Well, James Joyce proves my mother a liar!
Someone linked a link that linked a link that linked to some letters James Joyce wrote his lover. Here is a sample...
( do NOT read these if you are at work, near work, or still even in your work clothes. THEY IS FILTH! )
Jul. 9th, 2009 @ 06:10 pm
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| » YO! |
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She got here okay, we're all good.
Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 10:10 pm
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| » At the sound of the tone |
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At the beep it will be 12:34:56 7/8/9*...
BEEP!
*Unless you live in Europe and then you have to wait until next month for this rather lame joke to work.
Also, while I actually do like white chocolate, I agree that asking someone "Would you like some chocolate" and then offering them some white chocolate is mean and it should be punishable by a particularly nasty death.
Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 12:34 pm
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| » I remember |
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Applewood Bacon seems to be the new IN thing. I remember a couple of years ago it was Asiago Cheese.
But then, I remember back when you could get a bottle of coke for ten cents, children respected their elders, you could leave your doors unlocked, gays were illegal, women couldn't vote and Rome was the center of the world.
Did I leave anything out?
Oh yeah! I had to walk to school and I remember when this whole area was nothing but farmland.
Jul. 8th, 2009 @ 11:44 am
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